My son is about to turn twelve. And he’s interested in girls. I mean, very interested. So interested I find my Victoria Secret catalogs high jacked.
Here’s the deal: In a few years the boy is going to start dating, and bringing girlfriends home – And though I’m hoping he waits at least 25 years for this, the reality is, I’ve got about 3 years before he brings his first chick home. A girl I’m going to scrutinize from head to toe and deem her not good enough. EVER.EVER.EVER. While sharpening my knives or something…
My son is still in the “Middle School Dating Stage”, meaning he’s asked a girl to be his girlfriend. They have spoken on the phone a total of… Never times.
My son’s body has begun to assume the lankiness of a boy older than his years, and has such a deep voice, the girl’s father hated him on sight and hung up on him the first time he called asking for her.
There has been no first kiss, no feeling up on a flat chest; the furthest he’s gone on this “relationship” was putting his arm around her on their way back from a day camp trip.
Harmless middle school crap…
Yet I’m scared – Scared for my boy. I’ve overheard enough subway conversations between teenagers to know they are taking to relationships and sex faster than a speeding bullet. These new kids are careless, promiscuous, and utterly shameless.
Oh, I’m going to sound old when I say this, but things weren’t rolling this way when I was a teenager. I’m not saying there wasn’t sex, because there was, but dating consisted mostly of long make out sessions and ultra-long phone conversations; conversations replete with long breathy silences, where the bulk of the conversation went something like this:
Girl: “Are you there?”
Boy: “Yea, I’m here…”
Then you go into a somewhat halted convo of the hour and a half long make out session you had on his mom’s couch last weekend where, let’s be real, he felt you up a little.
Now that I’m a mom I’ve got all these standards. Standards which every female my son calls a “girlfriend” must abide by.
- She must be respectful. I’m still debating whether she is to call me Mrs M.O.B, Ma’am, or Mrs. Chocolate Thunder.
- She must have good scholastic habits. If a B isn’t the lowest grade she’s pulling, there is no way I’m allowing my boy to date her. I mean, he can date her, but he’s not bringing that one home.
- She’s got to have goals. I’m not asking for a 10 year plan. I do, however, like know where she is headed. She must put up with hours long grilling about said goals. One eye roll and she will be out on her ass. I don’t play that…
- She must be groomed from head to toe. I don’t go to the grocery store without a full face of makeup, and my hairs did. Neither should she.
- She must offer to do the dishes. Always. No exception.
Finally, the girl MUST bake.
Her first test: None other than Ina Garten’s yummy chocolate chunk cookies.
Let’s talk about these cookies.
They have chocolate chunks and walnuts in them.
I added a bit of cocoa powder for a more pronounced chocolate flavor.
You leave the dough in the fridge for at least an hour to allow the flavors to meld.
They bake flat.
They are soft and chewy.
They are addictive.
AND these, these cookies will be the benchmark by which every girl who dates my son will be measured. Don’t worry, the recipe will come in her “How to successfully date my boy” welcome packet.
It’s a long packet.